"Roads - don't talk to me about roads. 'Turn left in 100 metres', 'take the 2nd exit at the next roundabout', 'drive for 500 light years without changing direction'. The first 3 hours will be the worst; the second 3 hours will be the worst, too; the third 3 hours you won't enjoy at all, and then you'll go into a bit of a decline..."
Perhaps Norman Wisdom:
"T-turn left here, Mr Grimsdale - no, here. Or is it right? Oh, no, don't laugh at me..."
" 'Ello... You got to make a turn. Bot-tle... have you got de piece of paper? ...de one dat shows us which way to turn. Oi need to look at it. Ah, yes... turn left here ...now dat's funny... Bot-tle... which way up is dis piece of paper supposed to be...?"
"Now, you have to turn left - aye, right here - well, it's some bloody place round here. 'Hey Jimmy! C'mere a wee minute! Gaunae gie's a haun' here?' Y'see, what they don't tell you, about these... these computerized satellite thingies, you know, is that you've got tae know where you're goin' first, so that you know when it's takin' you up some bloody back street it shouldnae, and in three minutes flat, you'll have nae wheels left. No sae smart now, is it?"
"Well now, let's see. You could be takin' de next left ... but if you're aaskin' me, oi'd be takin the right tourn about foive moiles back. Dat way, you can stop at Gilligan's for a quick Guiness or two. It's the best pub east of MacGillycuddy's Reeks, so it is. Then, when you've had maybe one or two more, and a good serve of colcannon to help you on your way, then it won't much matter which way you go. I certainly won't be after worryin' about it..."
* Winner of a Nobel Prize - he was out standing in his field.
The Prime Minister:
"As I have told the House on at least 5 occasions in the past week, the Leader of the Opposition is confused [Order!] about the real issue here. It is not about left and right, and scoring cheap political points, nor is there any prospect of a u-turn during this parliament. [Order!!] The only real option, as the Honourable Member well knows, is to keep going straight ahead, until we emerge at the end of the tunnel - a tunnel which this Government has constructed on time and under budget [hear, hear] in contrast to the situation while the Honourable Member was in office [rhubarb, rhubarb] representing an electorate just 5 kilometres beyond the end of the tunnel, along a section of federally-funded divided road that was subject to gross mismanagement of resources and lengthy delays [baa, moo, hiss] ..."
Who would you have as your voice of reason on the road?